The Dream Is Over, You Just Have To Carry On

Tonight i cut the shit out of my thumb with a cheese grater. Not just any grater, but a fancy Microplane cheese grater that my foodie sister gave me. This thing is as sharp as the bored guy at a Mensa meeting. I nearly had a complete meltdown, but managed to steer myself back on the course of dinner making. It was either that or me and the almost-2-year-old start screaming and writhing on the floor. Papa was at a rehearsal, so i had no choice. My right hand has been covered in eczema for about 6 months. It came out of the clear blue and has made finger picking the guitar, doing the dishes & washing my hair incredibly painful. So this unfortunate (and totally minor) accident felt like 100 papercuts bathed in lemon juice.

I have a generally sunny disposition. I am a glass-is-half-full-but-let’s-just-go-get-something-delicious-to-fill-it-with kind of lady. I can see the blessing and meaning in most ship wreck situations, but lately i’ve been up every night worried about The Ominous Future. Climate change, GMO, the bees, the Koch Brothers, Nuclear Weaponry, Natural Disasters, the plastic island in the middle of the Pacific, the list goes on and on. I carry the weight of these things like birds nesting in my hair and i feel completely powerless as to the job of their untanglement. Is there some higher purpose to these dead end roads? “God is a concept by which we measure our pain”. What is the point in eating 5 servings of organic vegetables a day if the beautiful glaciers are melting and the ozone is thinning and there will be no clean water left in 2 years anyway? Is this all an exercise in futility? AHHHHH!!!

Is it all about the minute moments of love? Is it about the new tenants in our birdhouse? The success of our small victory garden? a new song, an evening of laughter with friends, the scent of the baby’s skin, your lover’s kiss. This is the house that love built whicc fear will shake down to the very foundation if you simply open the door and let it in. Is God a concept by which measure not only our formidable pain and confusion, but also our staggering joy? “The dream is over, what can I say? the Dream is Over, yesterday”. Most days on which i wake up breathing, in a safe home, with plenty to eat, i think these moments are enough to keep the grateful train on it’s tracks. Enough to keep the hungry sharks of pointlessness from dragging me into an apathetic watery grave. Enough to keep the baby fed and think about making him a sibling. Maybe my blessing is that i have the affluent luxury of worrying about the big picture stuff, while some people worry every day about how they will feed themselves. Not to say we are exempt from the economic struggle, but if we ran out of food tomorrow, our community would feed us. They have in the past.

So am i left with on this day where i feel frustrated and small, David with a slingshot against a most gargantuan foe? I hold on to my hopes like a life preserver. I cling to the notion that humanity is mostly good at the core. You clear past the brush and garbage and the sadness and there is a red heart beating inside every chest that wants to love and be loved. My dearest held hope is that my great-grandchildren will lead long healthy lives on this Eden of a planet. That the governments of the world will somehow un-corrupt themselves. That we realize the great volcano of love from which we all sprang and start behaving like family. “You may say i’m a dreamer, but i’m not the only one”.

Happy Birthday John Lennon.

11 thoughts on “The Dream Is Over, You Just Have To Carry On

  1. Oh Raina! I’m so sorry your finger! (I realize that that’s not the true takeaway part of this blog post, but as your sister and gifter of said grater, I feel compelled to comment on that part.) Love you!

    • I too was thinking about what a b*%&h those microplanes can be and what eczema tips we might share with each other!

      I too think a lot about how a million billion trillion small actions could somehow, someday make the change we need to see– with climate change occupying both my working and “free” time thoughts. Look to places like India where change comes from the bottom-up and grassroots rule the nation. Malala. Wendy Davis. You 😉

  2. Yes, happy birthday John Lennon!

    And what you’re saying resonates deeply with me as I’m sure it does with everyone who is willing to contemplate ‘being’. Like you, I have so many things to be thankful for, yet it’s difficult to allow myself to be happy, content with my efforts to better the world around me. Is it okay to be content? I honestly don’t know.

    Late last year I read ‘A Brave New World’ by Aldous Huxley and was disheartened by the similarities of the world he described and the one we live in. But then he knocked me out with this:

    ““Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand.”

    I’m not sure quite what to do with that, but it resonates with me anyway.

    So thank you for this lovely post and for your honesty.

    • That’s exactly what I was going to suggest! It sure puts a spin on the ‘underdog’! Worth a read or you can listen to him speak about it on TED.

  3. I so hear what you are saying … these days of trying to do our best, for our children, ourselves and for the sake of the future of this planet seem so futile sometimes. I care, you care but it seems many many people just want more of everything without having to think about it.
    I have days at home where my mind spins like yours, I do try to stop it, but I dont’ know what to do except carry on.
    Good luck with your finger – I don’t like sharp things and generally do not have the concentration to use them!

  4. You, dove, are the beating red heart of the future.
    I love what you wrote here.
    Having scored my finger in a similar way, I get you dancing up and down in the kitchen having to buckle up and get dinner on anyway.
    Yes. There is sacred stuff in every small mundane act of living.
    Just takes waking up to it.
    I look forward to reading more of you.
    xo Suzi

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *